


A Scripture Stained Kiss

by calmanditsdr



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, I Funneled My Religious Guilt Into My Comfort Characters Let's Go, M/M, Religious Guilt, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27726454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calmanditsdr/pseuds/calmanditsdr
Summary: The words rang through his mind, "You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination." But the sound of his name of Magnus's tongue was as beautiful as it had felt to touch that tongue with his own. Alec forbade himself the pleasure of it.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 8
Kudos: 51





	A Scripture Stained Kiss

**Author's Note:**

> The number of times I've driven home from Wednesday night youth group crying because I thought there was something wrong with me is astounding. This is the best way I can describe what that feels like. 
> 
> Bible references are listed in the endnotes in the order in which they appear in the fic.

“Alec! Wait up!”

Alec’s hand froze on the chilly metal handle. He blinked at his reflection in the glass door before turning around.

“Jacob,” he said, remaining close to the exit. “What’s up?”

The young pastor pried Alec away from the door and into a hug. “It was awesome seeing you tonight,” he exclaimed, the volume of his words far too loud to be that close to Alec’s ear. “We’ve missed you.” He released Alec from the hug but kept a steady hand on his shoulder. 

Alec shoved his hands into his pockets and found a particularly interesting tile on the floor to study. “Yeah, I’ve missed you guys too,” he muttered, not knowing what else to say. 

Jacob’s enthusiasm was grueling. “Where have you been, dude?” he asked, watching Alec expectantly. 

“I don’t know,” Alec replied. He would have slid his arms into his pockets if he could have. “Just, homework’s a lot.”

Jacob nodded with great exaggeration. “Yeah, man, I get it.” 

Alec cringed internally. 

Jacob continued, “Well, I’m glad you could make it tonight, and I hope we’ll be seeing you next week!”

Alec looked from the tile to the youth pastor. “Oh, um, yeah,” he stumbled over his words, “Maybe. I don’t know.” He hoped Jacob would take that to mean homework was just unpredictable and that Alec was planning to come next Wednesday if he got all of his studying done. 

Instead, Jacob’s eyebrows pulled together, and his hand on Alec’s shoulder loosened. “Alec, are you okay?” 

Alec quickly mended his posture and mastered his expression. “Yeah, for sure,” he answered. 

Jacob gave him an incredulous look. “You know I’m here for you, man,” he said. “Is there anything you wanna talk about?”

Alec chewed on the inside of his cheek and shook his head. 

“Well,” Jacob sighed. “Can I pray for you before you head out?” 

Declining such a request was impossible within the walls of a church no matter how loudly every fiber of Alec’s being pleaded against it. He shrugged reluctantly. “Yeah, okay.” 

A smile splashed across Jacob’s face. He pulled Alec away from the door; a few people had already complained and shoved past them to leave. 

When they were far enough away from the door and the remaining people in the room, Jacob took a deep breath. He stood in front of Alec and outstretched his arm to lay a hand on Alec’s shoulder. He bowed his head, and Alec squeezed his eyes closed. 

“Lord Jesus,” Jacob began, and Alec’s palms deep within his pockets began to sweat. “Thank you for this amazing evening.”

The backs of Alec’s eyelids grew warm with the tears that always sprang up when he was supposed to be talking to God. 

“And thank you for Alec,” Jacob continued, punctuating his sentence with a pat on Alec’s back. “Father, I ask that you would reveal yourself to him. Show him how much you love him.”

Alec suddenly found it hard to breathe and impossible to swallow.

“I pray that he will build his relationship with you and grow closer to you. And I thank you for giving me the opportunity to be there for him through that. Give him a safe trip home and bring him back here safely next week. In Jesus’s name, amen.” 

Alec opened his eyes, desperately hoping no tears would fall.

Jacob smiled a small smile at him. 

Alec tried not to leave too quickly. 

A cold gust of wind blew in his face and stung his eyes and dried his tears. He fumbled in his coat pocket for his keys. He pressed the unlock button too many times until he wrenched the door open and flung himself inside his car. With shaking fingers (was it from the cold?) he turned on the ignition. He wore callouses into his hands gripping the steering wheel as he tried desperately to suppress the sobs in his chest and tame the words in his mind. 

_You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination._

_I’m a virgin_ , Alec thought. Surely a God who wrote such an extensive volume was a God of technicalities. 

_And the men, instead of having normal sexual relations with women, burned with lust for each other._

Surely all the diverted gazes from screens and billboards displaying shirtless actors and models negated the dreams from which he woke tense and breathless. Surely the kiss he had shared with his best friend’s sister during a game of truth or dare balanced out the kiss he had shared with the son of the family who had recently moved in next door, even if only the latter had made his stomach flip and heart flutter. 

_Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this sin, they suffered within themselves the penalty they deserved._

Alec threw his car into gear and peeled out of the parking lot. Thank God—thank the maker of automatic headlights or else he would have forgotten to turn them on. 

The traffic lights painted glowing streaks of green and red on the dark, wet roads. The shining streets blinded his eyes which were refilling with tears. His numb and shouting mind had little ability to know whether or not he was running those red lights.

_If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable._

He drove through a puddle. The water splashed up against his car and out across the sidewalk. He was deaf to the sound of it, but the way it shifted his vehicle brought him back into a semblance of focus.

_They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads._

His phone sounded from where it lay in the passenger seat. It was probably just his mother checking in.

_Those who indulge in sexual sin,_

He hoped she’d realize he was on the way home when she didn’t get a text back. 

_or who worship idols,_

Another text. 

_or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes,_

Yellow light.

_or practice homosexuality,_

He slammed on the breaks.

_or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people-_

He could’ve made it through the light. 

_none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God_

The light finally switched from red to green. Alec pressed on the gas and didn’t remember driving home.

The next thing he felt was his car struggling over the curb at the edge of his driveway. The next thing he saw was someone sitting on the front porch steps. 

They looked up at the sound of metal scraping over concrete and jumped up. Alec pulled the rest of the way up the driveway and parked his car. The person who had been on the steps hastened to Alec’s window and knocked on it. Alec immediately recognized his neighbor.

He removed his key, grabbed his phone, and climbed out of his car. 

“Alec, what the fuck, dude? I texted you, like, eight fucking times! And when you didn’t reply I got worried so I came over to ask your mom if you were okay, and she said you were at church?” The words were so fast and so loud it took Alec a moment to process them. 

Alec locked his car. The beep rang through the quiet neighborhood. “Magnus, what?” he asked, finally looking at the other boy. Magnus’s dark hair was streaked with blond in the front; Alec could’ve sworn it had red streaks in it yesterday. His dark eyes wrinkled at the edges, and his mouth—Alec didn’t allow himself to look at Magnus’s mouth for too long—curved down with worry.

“You always text me back, like, super fast,” Magnus replied, his eyes sweeping Alec’s face. His jaw dropped, and his eyebrows raised. “Alec, are you crying?”

Alec promptly looked away. His gaze traveled to his shoes; one of them was untied. “No, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he murmured and bent down to tie his shoe. 

Magnus took a deep breath and then bent down too. He waited for Alec to finish with his shoe before pushing his shoulder to make him sit down, back against his car. Magnus sat down across from Alec. 

The ground was cold, but Alec was numb to it and Magnus ignored it. They sat in silence until Magnus could no longer bear it. He nudged Alec with his shoe.

_both of them have done what is detestable_

“Alec,” Magnus said, his voice gentle. 

The sound of his name on Magnus’s tongue was as beautiful as it had felt to touch that tongue with his own. Alec forbade himself the pleasure of it. 

“What?” Alec replied, not meeting Magnus’s gaze. 

Magnus sighed and crossed his elegantly long legs beneath himself. His jeans had a rip in the knee that exposed a sliver of smooth dark skin. Alec cursed his eyes for lingering upon it. 

_burned with lust for each other_

“—weren’t texting me back, and then I hear that you’re at church,” Magnus was saying. Alec blinked when he realized Magnus had been speaking and that he had not heard a word of it. 

Magnus’s shoulders sagged. “Alec,” he said, and Alec finally looked at him. “I know you’re not okay. You can talk to me.” He reached forward and laid a hand on Alec’s arm. Alec nearly flinched away from Magnus’s touch. 

_they are to be put to death_

Words and emotions began to whirl tumultuously in his mind and in his heart. He knew Magnus. He trusted Magnus. He loved—

_it is an abomination_

Magnus scooted closer to Alec, his face exhibiting raw concern. He began stroking Alec’s arm—a gesture he made out of his desire to comfort Alec. Alec felt dirty for wishing Magnus was touching him out of a desire for something else. 

“No one gets it!” Alec blurted, his voice catching. “My parents don’t. My friends don’t.” 

Magnus’s hand on Alec’s arm stilled.

“Alexander Gideon,” Alec’s voice twinged as he mimicked the words of his parents. “Don’t even say that. It’s a phase. You’ll get over it.” New tears bloomed in his eyes, and his body trembled with the strain of holding back sobs. 

Magnus slipped his arm around Alec’s shoulders and held him tightly. Alec’s mind screamed at the touch, but his heart sang with it. 

“There’s something wrong with me,” Alec whispered, his eyes unfocused on the ground before him. 

Magnus didn’t know what to say, but he did know he couldn’t allow Alec to believe that. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Alec,” Magnus said. 

Alec chuckled. “I’ve heard that one too. It’s the culture, isn’t it?” His voice dripped with venom. “Be in the world, not of it. What the world says doesn’t matter. What matters is what God says because he knows what’s best for us.” He spat the next words, “Because he loves us.” 

Magnus didn’t say anything. Instead, he just sat silently and listened.

“But would they say that,” Alec continued, “Would they—would Pastor Jacob—would—” he stumbled over his words. “Why would they tell anyone that God loves them unless they knew for sure that he did?” 

The question broke Magnus’s heart into pieces. “Alec,” he began. “What do you—”

Alec interrupted him. “And I’ve tried. I’ve prayed. I’ve gone to altar calls; I’ve laid on the floor in my room on my face and begged him to make me like a girl like I—” he paused, and Magnus dared not interrupt him. “Like I like you.” Alec stole a glance at Magnus to check for any adverse reaction, but Magnus was watching him with nothing but concern and love. 

“It just doesn't work,” Alec declared, tears freely pouring down his face. The cold air stung the trails the tears left behind. “Nothing does. Not church. Not praying.” He took in a shaky breath. “Magnus, I’ve watched lesbian porn with my dick in my hand, willing it to get hard, and it just won’t.” 

When Magnus didn’t respond, Alec dropped his head into his hands. He took deep breaths in a vain attempt to soothe himself. 

“That was a lot, I’m sorry,” Alec whispered. 

“No, no, no,” Magnus said, removing his arm from around Alec but keeping a hand of comfort on his arm. “I’m just thinking of something to say.” 

Alec looked up and at Magnus. “You don’t have to say anything.”

“That’s bullshit,” Magnus blurted. When Alec’s eyes widened with confusion, he added, “Not you. The fact that you feel like there’s something wrong with you.” 

Alec didn’t reply, so Magnus continued. 

“I’ve prayed that prayer before too,” he confessed. “It’s a lie, though. It’s bullshit. There’s nothing wrong with you.” 

Alec desperately wanted to believe Magnus’s words, but he was afraid to. “Magnus,” he whispered, “It doesn’t matter.” He cast his eyes downward, away from Magnus. “I’m already broken.” 

Magnus’s jaw dropped, and he pulled fully away from Alec. Alec looked up at the loss of contact and was surprised at the look on Magnus’s face. 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Magnus demanded. 

Alec pulled his knees up to his chest and sat his chin atop them. “That's what God says,” he replied. “And the Bible.” 

Magnus’s consternation withered. “Alec, no.” He took one of Alec’s hands in both of his own. “That doesn’t matter.”

“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable,” Alec quoted. 

Magnus closed his eyes for a moment to think. Then he had an idea. He opened his eyes. “Tell me more,” he said. 

Alec swallowed. “About me?” 

Magnus shook his head. “No. More of what makes you think there’s something wrong with you.” 

Alec licked his dry lips. “Verses?”

Magnus nodded. 

Alec took a deep breath and began, “Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this sin, they suffered within themselves—”

Magnus drew Alec’s hand up to his mouth and kissed it. 

“—The penalty they deserved,” Alec finished, his voice tight.

Magnus watched Alec expectantly, waiting on his reaction, and Alec spoke again. 

“Those who practice homosexuality will not inherit the kingdom—”

Magnus leaned forward and pressed a kiss on Alec’s cheek. 

“—The kingdom of God,” Alec whimpered. 

The remaining pieces of Magnus’s heart shattered. He pushed gentle fingers through Alec’s hair as if to tuck a piece behind his ear. 

Alec leaned into Magnus’s touch and said, “You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abom—”

Magnus silenced the Scripture with a kiss on Alec’s lips. He didn’t move, end, or deepen it, to allow Alec the control. 

They stayed like that for a moment, lips unmoving against each other, until Alec brought a hand up to touch Magnus’s face and leaned into the kiss. What started sweet and chaste grew desperate and passionate. Fingers tangled in hair, tongues swiped across lips, teeth bumped against teeth. 

Magnus crawled into Alec’s lap, and Alec let him, adjusting his legs to adequately accommodate the other boy. Magnus held Alec’s face, and Alec held Magnus’s hips. 

Alec’s stomach flipped, and his heart pounded. He was reluctant to break the kiss, even for air, afraid that once it ended it would be lost forever. 

Magnus pulled away first. His hands trembled, his face flushed. Alec could feel Magnus’s breath on his face.

“Alec,” Magnus began, “I—”

Alec surged forward and recaptured Magnus’s mouth with his own. Magnus gasped into the kiss but eventually relaxed into it, allowing the sensation, allowing Alec to be the only thing he felt. 

All words, all whispers, all psalms, all Scriptures were made worthless by that kiss. That moment of love, that feeling of lips was suddenly all there ever was, in the beginning, in the end, within the first and the last.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Verse References (in the order in which they appear)  
> Leviticus 18:22  
> Romans 1:27  
> Leviticus 20:13  
> 1 Corinthians 6:9-10


End file.
